A Confession about fighting

I have been doing martial arts and combat sports for over 40 years now and I can say that fighting is a dimension that I know, have explored and continue to discover.

But the way I experience it has changed dramatically over time.

I started doing martial arts because I wanted to learn how to defend myself and, since I’m on the subject of confessions, also because I was overweight and wanted to lose few kilos.

I know that there are more noble reasons for starting a fighting discipline. 
But… I didn’t know them at the time.

I found great motivation in the process of learning martial arts because I was fascinated by the technical aspect of the fight. 

It captured me how, with proper training, one could have a leverage effect on characteristics such as strength and agility. 

I had a self-empowering tool but I wasn’t sure how to direct it.
Or rather: I seem to have very clear ideas and instead they weren’t clear at all.

What happened next? 

While I felt much better physically (I had lost weight and build on some muscles), I continued to retain the feeling of never having done enough. Wanting to improve is an excellent attitude but mine was not a good desire. 

I didn’t want to improve for myself, I wanted to improve to achieve something. Something that was not possible to own.

Without knowing it, I was trapped in a logic in which, upon reaching a goal, after an initial brief moment of satisfaction, another one immediately appeared.

It was never enough, I was never enough. 

As I only realized many years later, what I wanted was the certainty that I had completed everything. Another way to say it would be, the certainty that: “nothing could surprise me or put me in trouble anymore”.

I started doing martial arts because I wanted to know how to defend myself, I continued intoxicated by the feeling that it was possible to reach this state in an absolute way.

Then?
I wish I could say that a precise moment of crisis came but unfortunately it has all been much more nuanced and exhausting.

For many years of experimentation and study, I lived carrying a shadow with me.  What I did was never enough, what I got I couldn’t enjoy. 

Each time I fought, the outcome of the fight determined the state I felt after.  My training and my commitment had value only to the extent that I had obtained an external result. 

Only as long as I won everything was fine. 

I do not regret this period but I am very happy to have made this shadow an ally.

The key that led me to change this vicious circle into a virtuous one, was asking myself the question: why do I fight?

Not mentioning that I have already learned a lot more than I will ever need in a real combat. So, why do I continue to train in combat?

The answer was initially uncertain:
“Because I like the sensations I get in training and fighting”, it was true but not entirely. 

What motivates me to train, still today, lies in these 3 aspects:

1 In the pleasure I feel in using my body in a functional way;

2 in the intellectual challenge of trying and solving new situations;

3 in the energy that combat training gives me in everyday life.

This led me to realize 3 personal truths:

1 Trying to be the best is a limit to improvement;

2 No fight in the gym or in a competition must be a matter of life or death;

3 If you don’t enjoy practicing, then training and fighting is pointless.

This has been my practice style for several years since now.
It come not overnight but as continuous improvement. 

I would say that it has also speeded up my learning ability.
But, to be honest, this is not relevant.